SOME CLASSY MOTHERFUCKER ROCKS OUT TO GOOD MUSIC EVERY DAY ON THE FLOOR ABOVE ME
they are jumping up and down and it’s over my head and it’s kind of terrifying but mostly just a full-on tease fest of joyous ruckus i am not partaking in
FUCKING FUCKER IF I WASN’T SCARED YOU WERE SOME RAPEY BOY RAVER I WOULD BE BEING YOUR FRIEND
I have noticed lately that i’ve been falling into a really unhealthy pattern here; doing things that make me comfortable, not stretching myself in any way, wasting my time watching relationships and comedies of reality unfold in tv dramas rather than going out and making an effort to enact those types of situations with real-live people.
I have settled. And not settled in, but settled. I became this sort of parasitic creature feeding off the ease of my situation, where everything i can live off of is handed to me and at my disposal, yet everything i wanted was far beyond my lazy grasp and i believed the effort was too much to handle. I believed there was too much being expected of me.
Reality is, those expectations are what i should be reaching to achieve. It’s not going to get easier as time progresses, and i need to establish strength in myself and belief that i can reach for what i want to reach. My school helps people that know how to help themselves, and those people are the ones who end up finding joy in what they do and success in their further endeavors, and i so badly want to be one of those people.
I have come to the realization that i have no friends here. I have multiple acquaintances, the people you see and give a warm smile or nod to as you pass them on your way to class or have a small chat with in the dining hall, but i have no friends. I believed i did, but it’s turned out that i have felt like i’m chasing this relationship down instead of there being a fair trade-off of effort being put into seeing each other. I’m going to stop that, as of now. It doesn’t make sense for me to care so much about a connection i never had with someone, and while this means that i’m probably going to be generally alone for a while, i can live with that. Plus, the only thing we really had in common was a love for tv shows and similar relationship situations, both of which are generally common and conversations of which don’t hold much merit.
I’m growing to become more independent. I’m learning to make lists and set firm goals of getting them all done in the timeline that works best for me. I’m going to start putting myself out there more; instead of shying away from conversations by not holding eye contact with the other person, i’m going to make an effort in being genuinely interested in the people who choose that spending time with me in any span is something they want to do, because those people are few and far between. I’m going to treat myself better; I’m going to get more sleep by actually using my days wisely and i’m going to respect my body by eating more healthily and making sure there is time in my schedule to get some sort of exercise to burn off the less healthy food choices i have to make during late-night crunch times.
I’m going to stop settling and feel better about myself.
I’m going to learn how to be me, and me alone.
And I’m completely at ease with that.
the idea of marriage scares me.
not it existing, or the act of committing your mind, body, and soul to another person, but the proposals.
being put on the spot like that… to make a decision for the rest of your life.
i think it might be because i have never… been around a marriage. the only happy one i know of is my grand-dad and his second wife, and they’re so traditional that it just makes sense, but… he divorced my grandmother soon after having their third child, my aunt and uncle have been on the fence about divorcing since they got married, my uncle has had a son out of wedlock with a woman who is now dead and has two more sons with a woman he is still “going out with” though they practically live together and have rings (that she got for them with their birthstones), and… it’s always been me and my mom.
and… imagining someone buidling up the courage to ask me something like that, and then have me respond with a strongly contemplative face and not a single answer for them but many many questions…
i might say yes
without thinking it through
because i’ve done that before, to my heart
all i’ve got is me, and i want to make myself happy over anything, so
that level of responsibility for my well being as well as anothers… is daunting.
k i’m done.
ENTHUSIASTIC RESPONSE IN AGREEMENT FOLLOWED MY SLANG ABBREVIATION